It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
