Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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