you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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