Apparently you make a good broom.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I just want to make out with him forever
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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