I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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