i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
