there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
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