Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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