he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
