theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
When did angry sex become our thing?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I'm too high and old for this...
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
