u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Randomize
