you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Randomize
