you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
