i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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