This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Randomize
