my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
