Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Randomize
