a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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