his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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