but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
