I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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