and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
