we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
