This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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