I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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