you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
