It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
