He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
