dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
