Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
