things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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