While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
