let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
