I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
