if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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