he wants to bone in the snuggie
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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