Cold hands, warm shart.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
