i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
