I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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