New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
