Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
