I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
