You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
He did a backflip because drugs
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
