I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
