Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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