Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
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