So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
