I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
