i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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