Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I FOUND THE LEGS
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
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