new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Randomize
