we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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